The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
