I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
