first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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