i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
