Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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