you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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