So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
