My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
