A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
