I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
