I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
