i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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