3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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