Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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