mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
