I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
