i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
