between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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