fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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