That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
