Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
