I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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