Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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