I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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