here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
