you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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