I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
