Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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