I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
