I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
