He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Randomize
