I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
