im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i think i just lost a toe
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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