I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
