Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i drank out of a bidet.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
