i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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