Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize