areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Please, let me fuck your mom
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
