I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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