We got so high we made milksteak
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I know her cup size but not her name....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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