I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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