i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
