You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize