They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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