I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
