I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
