I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you will always have a special place in my vag
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
