I wish my penis had an off switch
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
