I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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