Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
