Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
