Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
