did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
