worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize