do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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