I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize