I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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