I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
