I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
