I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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