Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
