and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
