If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
