Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
